HAPPY BIRTHDAY , JOSH

I IS A PLEASURE TO WISH SUCH A FINE GRANDSON A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
YOU ARE AN EXEMPLARY HUSBAND FOR JENNIFERAND A GREAT FATHER FOR ASHTON, AND EMILY...YOU TREAT ME WITH LOVE AN RESPECT, AS WELL.
YOUR INTELLIGENCE CND SENSE OF HUMOR DELIGHT ME, AS WELL AS THOSE AROUND YOU..
PLEASE COME TO SEE ME ASAP .
MAY YOU HAVE AN ESPCEILLY WONDERFUL YEAR AHED...
LOVE, GRANDMA

FW: More Blonde jokes - some old

I know most of you have gray hair so don't take it personally

Cheers
Lonestar Jack<http://lonestarjack.com/> .com

Subject: Those Blondes Are At It Again

Two blondes, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the d dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was..

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied...

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied... .... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

FW: Mt Rushmore from the other side...

>
> Mt Rushmore from the other side
>

FW: Remarkable story!

http://www.viddler.com/explore/garrettsylvia/videos/33/30.641/

FW: LDS specialty wards

This is funny, thought you might get a kick out of it.

Find your niche in specialty wards
Robert Kirby Tribune columnist - Salt Lake Tribune

Most Sunday mornings, you'll find me on a pew in the Rosecrest 1st Ward
chapel. It's where I'm supposed to go to church. Lucky for me, it's also
where I want to go. Technically, Mormons don't have a choice. For church,
we're bound by the geography of the ward boundary. We worship where we live.

The only time Mormons can switch wards without also contacting a Realtor is
when we attend specialty wards. For example, I went to a Spanish-speaking
ward in West Jordan for a while.

Specialty wards allow members with specific common needs to worship together
and support each other in their exclusive part of the Lord's vineyard. There
are (or have been) lots of LDS specialty wards, including singles wards,
college wards, deaf wards, ethnic wards and nudist wards.

OK, I made up that last one. There are even seasonal "snowbird wards" in
places where Mormon RV owners congregate.

I talked it over with my friend (despite a restraining order) Ken
Wallentine. We think the specialty-ward idea needs to be improved on in our
ever-changing and increasingly divided culture.

For example, there needs to be a late ward, a ward Mormons who are
perpetually late for church could attend and not feel bad about dragging
their herd in 15 minutes late. The only problem with a late ward would be
showing up late for a meeting that was supposed to start late in the first
place. Eventually, you would end up with a ward that ran out of time before
it started.. "Welcome to the Tardy 3rd Ward, brothers and sisters. We will
close now by singing hymn No. 145."

Given the high birthrate among Mormons, I thought about the need for
maternity wards. Except that we already have those. They're called married
student wards.

A Star Trek ward might do well. The bishop would preside from "the bridge"
instead of the stand. High-council Sunday would be referred to as a "Klingon
Sunday."

Harley riders congregate to the exclusion of just about everyone else. Why
not an LDS biker ward? White shirts and neckties go well with black
leather..

Ken really wants to attend a concealed-weapons ward. He says church would be
a lot more interesting if real personal risks were involved in disagreeing
with a lesson.

There could be a texting ward for teenagers. Bear your testimony with your
thumb. In 25 years, they'll all belong to carpal-tunnel wards.

At the less-active ward, maybe there'll be a meeting and maybe there won't.

Testimony meeting in an anger-management ward might be interesting. Nobody's
going to sleep through, "HEY! I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE, STUPID!"

A big hit would be the Multi Level Marketing ward, also known as a
"Gadianton robber ward." With all the financial scamming that goes on in
this culture, it would be nice to have them all in one place for a
three-hour block weekly.

I think a Democrat ward is a good idea, although in Utah the best we could
probably hope for is a Democrat branch.

FW: Must See

>
>> This was filmed just outside of Atlanta, GA almost a
> month ago.
>> In the days before interstate highways we traveled
>> this
> route many times going to and from Florida and traveling through Georgia
> while stationed in Warner Robins. It is interesting to see that little has
> changed in rural America, especially the respect that the people have for
> the loss of one of their own
>> I got this off of one of our internet forums and
> thought that I would share it with you.
>> Hope that the audio and video work.
>>
>>
>>
>> Killed in action the week before, the body of Sergeant
> First Class John C. Beale wa s returned to Falcon Field in Peachtree City,
> Georgia, just south of Atlanta, on June 11, 2009. The Henry County Police
> Department escorted the procession to the funeral home in McDonough,
> Georgia. A simple notice in local papers indicated the road route to be
> taken and the approximate time.
>>
>> Nowadays one can be led to believe that America no longer
> respects honor and no longer honors sacrifice outside the military. Be it
> known that there are many places in this land where people still recognize
> the courage and impact of total self-sacrifice. Georgia remains one of
> those
> graceful places. The link below is a short travelogue of that day's
> remarkable and painful journey. But only watch this if you wish to have
> some
> of your faith in people restored. Please share widely. Well worth
> watching.
>>
>> http://blip.tv/play/AYGJ5h6YgmE
>>

FW: glenn heit

AUNT DARLLEN, LIVING HERE IN ST. GEORGE, JUST RECEIVED WORD THAT HER ELEST SON, GLENN HEIT, WHO LIVES IN CALIFORNIADIED THIS MORNING...HE WS BEING TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL IN AND AMBULANCE AS HE WAS HEMORRHAGING FROM A BLEEDING ULCR, AND PASSED AWAY N THE AMBULANCE OF CARDIAC. SRREST...HE WS ONLYH FIFTY SEVEN YEARS OLD...HE LEAVES HIS WIFE, DEBBIE, AND AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD SON, TRAVIS ..I DON'T KNOW ANY MORE DETAILS, BU TI WILL FINDOUT MORE LATER.DARLEEN IS AFRID TO GO TO CLAIFORNIAAI FOR THE FUNERAL, AS HER SONM, JIM IS SO ILL ATHAT TSHE HATES TO LEAVE HIM...
I WILL RELAY MORE INFORMATON AS SON AS I HEAR ......
GOOD NEWS, TOO!
I JUST RECEIED CLIPPING FROM THE UTAH NEWSPAPERS SENT O ME BY MY CLOSE FRIEND, DIXIE CLIFFORD...SHE WAS NAMED UTAH'S MOTHER OF THE YEAR...I REMBER WHEN HER DAUGHTER, CHRISTY BULLOCK WAS NCAMED NEVADA'A YOUNG MOTHR OF HTE YEAR..
DIXIE SENTT A BEAUATIFUL PHOTOGRAPH OF HERSELF SUITABLE FOR FRAMING...
LOVE, M
LOVE, M

FW: URGENT! URGENT! URGENT!

I RECEIVED THIS FROM TIM FRY, FORMER BISHOP OF EALGLE'S LANDING WARD, AND CURENTLY A MISSION PREADIENT...
LOVE, MARION

Subject: FW: URGENT! URGENT! URGENT!


TWO SUBJECT LINES of which to be AWARE



Just verified this with Snopes and it is REAL. ALSO WENT TO TRUTH OR FICTION, IT'S on their site also.





PLEASE INFORM EVERYONE you know!




Emails with pictures of Osama Bin-Laden hanged are being sent and the moment that you open these emails your computer will crash and you will not be able to fix it!





1.) If you get an e-mail along the lines of 'Osama Bin Laden Captured' or 'Osama Hanged' , don't open the Attachment!! !!





This e-mail is being distributed through countries around the globe, but mainly in the US and Israel





Be considerate & send this warning to whomever you know.





PLEASE FORWAR D THIS WARNING AMONG FRIENDS, FAMILY AND CONTACTS:





2.) You should be alert during the next few days:





Do not open any message with an attached file called 'Invitation' regardless of who sent it.





It is a virus that opens an Olympic Torch which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer!!!!





This virus will be received from someone who has your e-mail address in his/her contact list, that is why you should send this E-mail to all your contacts.


& nbsp;


It is better to receive this message 25 times than to receive the virus and open it





If you receive e-mail called 'invitation' , even though sent by a friend. Do not open it!!! Shut down your computer immediately! !!!





This is the worst virus announced by CNN, it has been classified by Microsoft as the most destructive virus ever.





This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday, and the! re is no repair yet for this kind of virus.





This virus simply destroys the Zero Sector of the Hard Disc, where=2 0the vital information is kept.





SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!!!!

FW: 1907 Photo

I MIGHT ADD MY THOUGHTS TO THIS...THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SUCH A DEFINITIVE LANGE, BEING COMPOSED O MANY DIFFWWNT LANAGUAGE..THAT IT IS USED ALAL OVER THE WORD...EVYONE IN EVERY COUNTRY WANTS TO LEARN IT...I HAD A LITTLE VIETMANESE GIEL WHO MANICURED MY NAILS TELL ME THA D HE LOVED THE ENGLAIS HLANGUAGE, AND EVERY IME I USED A WORD THT SHE HAD NOT HEARD, SH EASKED TO HAVE ME DEFINE IT FOR HER. TI IS THE MORST EXPRESSIVE LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD..
LOVE, MARION..

PLEASE EXUSE MY TYPOS...I CANOT SEE..

1907 PHOTO This one needs to circulate
I think this is one email that needs to be forwarded until every American with a computer receives it.

The year is 1907, one hundred and 2 years ago.
READ PRINT UNDER PICTURE!

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.
'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.'
Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Every American citizen needs to read this!

KEEP THIS MOVING

FW: Why, Why, Why???

Subject: Fw: Why, Why, Why???


Why, Why, Why???
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt,
you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.... ..
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

---

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.488 / Virus Database: 269.14.13/1075 - Release Date: 10/17/2007 9:38 AM


------ End of Forwarded Message