FW: LDS specialty wards

Sent: Friday, May 29, 2009 3:23 PM
Subject: LDS specialty wards

This is funny, thought you might get a kick out of it.

Find your niche in specialty wards
Robert Kirby Tribune columnist - Salt Lake Tribune

Most Sunday mornings, you'll find me on a pew in the Rosecrest 1st Ward
chapel. It's where I'm supposed to go to church. Lucky for me, it's also
where I want to go. Technically, Mormons don't have a choice. For church,
we're bound by the geography of the ward boundary. We worship where we live.

The only time Mormons can switch wards without also contacting a Realtor is
when we attend specialty wards. For example, I went to a Spanish-speaking
ward in West Jordan for a while.

Specialty wards allow members with specific common needs to worship together
and support each other in their exclusive part of the Lord's vineyard There
are (or have been) lots of LDS specialty wards, including singles wards,
college wards, deaf wards, ethnic wards and nudist wards.

OK, I made up that last one. There are even seasonal "snowbird wards" in
places where Mormon RV owners congregate.

I talked it over with my friend (despite a restraining order) Ken
Wallentine. We think the specialty-ward idea needs to be improved on in our
ever-changing and increasingly divided culture.

For example, there needs to be a late ward, a ward Mormons who are
perpetually late for church could attend and not feel bad about dragging
their herd in 15 minutes late. The only problem with a late ward would be
showing up late for a meeting that was supposed to start late in the first
place. Eventually, you would end up with a ward that ran out of time before
it started.. "Welcome to the Tardy 3rd Ward, brothers and sisters. We will
close now by singing hymn No. 145."

Given the high birthrate among Mormons, I thought about the need for
maternity wards. Except that we already have those. They're called married
student wards.

A Star Trek ward might do well. The bishop would preside from "the bridge"
instead of the stand. High-council Sunday would be referred to as a "Klingon
Sunday."

Harley riders congregate to the exclusion of just about everyone else Why
not an LDS biker ward? White shirts and neckties go well with black
leather..

Ken really wants to attend a concealed-weapons ward. He says church would be
a lot more interesting if real personal risks were involved in disagreeing
with a lesson.

There could be a texting ward for teenagers. Bear your testimony with your
thumb. In 25 years, they'll all belong to carpal-tunnel wards.

At the less-active ward, maybe there'll be a meeting and maybe there won't.

Testimony meeting in an anger-management ward might be interesting. Nobody's
going to sleep through, "HEY! I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE, STUPID!"

A big hit would be the Multi Level Marketing ward, also known as a
"Gadianton robber ward." With all the financial scamming that goes on in
this culture, it would be nice to have them all in one place for a
three-hour block weekly.

I think a Democrat ward is a good idea, although in Utah the best we could
probably hope for is a Democrat branch.

--
Mark Schroeppel
Utah First Title Insurance Agency

"A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour."





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